Getting something off my chest..

  I haven't written too much on here and have been in a very deep and isolated processing space, finding words for things while my linguistic patterns are continually shifting has been an interesting experience causing me to prefer silence rather than struggling to find words that present my point coherently, particularly when others misconstrue things I say and/or experience a differentiation of terminologies in general..

  I was going through a lot of painful stuff not only processing out trauma cycles but specifically regarding a group of friends while living in California basically turning on me when I finally left a toxic relationship and was proud of myself, for the first time for taking that step for myself.. however for some reason these people who had a very respectful perspective of me suddenly felt cold, distant and unresponsive towards me.. I really couldn't figure out what was wrong, and knew I didn't do anything to warrant any of that.. I began by trying to ignore my feelings because there seemed to be no cause and yet the energy projected at me was like 'you know what you did' kind of garbage and I was baffled hurt and bewildered.. I would reach out and ask what was up and no response.. I chose to remain in the space that I thought of these people as my family of friends since I showed up, was a good friend I did everything I could to be relevant and to assist them in any way I possibly could!

  I started to feel that there must have been some dissent among them and someone was speaking badly about me and I also knew it was someone who had never even tried to get to know me and years later, my fears were found to be accurate.. it finally came to me that the most juvenile, shadowy females in the group were the culprits, big surprise! But what is Actually a big surprise is that people I felt were like family in my heart, fellow magi's and friends from other lifetimes were suddenly so strange to me, like I already dont have abandonment issues.. on some level that was helpful, in that my biggest fear came true and I didn't have to worry about how that would feel anymore, but was worse was that I then had to process being submersed within that pain wile attempting to assimilate how/why got into in that position and what I could have possibly done to deserve it!?

I began projecting against myself about it all and starting to identify with the projections (that no.one even had the balls to speak out loud to me) being angry at myself for others disrespectful treatment was confusing at best.. I felt the rug completely pulled out from under me and didn't have anyone to go to or talk to about it at all.. when a situation happened previously in the group and two were fighting with each other I saw people taking sides and I addressed the situation immediately by reaching out to both parties and asking for their side while telling the one throwing the other under the bus that I didn't appreciate that and it wasn't fair, as. a. Friend!! because that is what friends do, in my opinion..

So not only were these people willing to drop me as a friend/family member based solely on others' lies with nothing but one.sided views, untrue projections and false judgements being made about me but to start treating me as though I had certainly done something wrong to the point that they were willing to make all those decisions without even talking to me!! and regardless of whatever they thought/didn't think, they were not being friends at all to me during the most painful time in my life where I Really needed friends around me.. and to justify themselves for it as well!

  I grew up very lonely and isolated within myself much of the time and made up for that with aggression and intimidating energy.. I eventually softened and rebalanced myself by finding my spiritual center and healing some massive karmic patterns manifested as physical ailments, issues with my blood cells, and all kinds of emotional patterning I needed to work through in a safe space, only to find that the very 'conscious' group was blindly judging me which is not very conscious at all!

  I was alone to deal with myself after the worst betrayal I have experienced in this particular incarnation, and I couldn't even talk to them about it! Trying to explain myself felt futile as they remained unresponsive to me attempts to reach out and they seemed quite comfortable with their projections over the Truth, so then what is there really to do? Funny though people have been like that since ancient times you know, treating others lives like it's all just 'drama' that they are too high in vibration to deal with and yet, when something is happening in Their life, regardless of how trivial, its suddenly front page news! There has always been this great presentation of their innate sense of Compassion and yet it seems so very selective..

I finally talked to a Shaman about it all and it was told to me that this was 'Not a Punishment' and that I had done nothing wrong.. which didn't really make me feel any better haha.. but also that there was a great unfolding to this event and to stay in a space of forgiveness because they would apologize one day when I attain a higher position and then it would be on me to have forgiveness, but more importantly that they need to learn a very valuable lesson from me, as what I am here for in the first place.. I know that I can't just let it go at that point either or they wont learn the lesson that is supposed to come through me, but to respectfully let them know that I deserve friends that I can trust and they can never be that for me now, which is ok I deserve better and will likely be a humbling learning experience indeed! One I have no expectations in regards to.. 

  I wish nothing for or against them and I cant be in a space of judgement because I dont even know who was/wasn't judging me all I know is the only ones who still interact with me from back then are the ones from the group that left the state before the shit storm wake even broke! Its strange that I felt it when it first happened but took me years to finally get confirmation from outside/inside sources about it all, much to my dismay..

Thank you for reading this all if you did, I know it was long and probably uninteresting to anyone not involved but let me know if you have ever had anything like this happen to you and how you handled it as well as how things turned out in the end! And if you are experiencing something similar that is currently unresolved, maybe this can be reflective for you during that process and if I can intuitively be of assistance for you, or you feel anything intuitive about my situation, please let me know!! Much Love to all of you out there, and Many Blessings! ♥ ^_^ ♥

Full Moon Channeling with Anubis: 11/13/2016

Anubis has been calling upon me for some time now to journey
with him to the depths of my core essence in search of my Hearts
*True Love*, which i had been ripped apart from aeons ago,
the stories lost through the manipulations if 'his'tory..
As well as the reclamation of disembodied soul fragments
imprisoned within the collective unconscious void..

I Am at One within the wholeness of my infinite BEing
Unencumbered by the false narrative of disenfranchisement
Wholeheartedly embodying a sacred expression of
Alchemical circuitry etched within the collective template

Healing the Past~ Healing the Present
Transmutation of the Highest form
Bearing witness to the illumination before you through
the bioluminous sea of reflective dichotomy

So mote it Be! ~♥ ☥ ♥~


*(Art: 'Anubis Rising' by Vedran Misic)