Vortex of Sekhmet~ 8-8-8 Lion's Gate

My heart feels heavy with the weight of false projections, judgments, imprisonment and isolation from everything that once fueled my growth and expansion as I Am Now delving into the darkness only to retrieve the one lost gem that once made me whole~

A Divine Love that enveloped me through the very core of my essence.. Submersed within elusive waters, this Sacred Love was concealed by the misdirected tumultuous waves crashing down upon us..

What are these things such as words I attempt to turn my thoughts/feelings into with only limited reception or reciprocation, left at the hands of those who only choose to see them as dismantled forms, disjointed regurgitations, and mere emanations of ego?

What is my Heart to those who cannot even comprehend the depth of my perspective intent, made known by disavowing the inherent expression of my truth as a phantom in the night gone astray?

Getting something off my chest..

  I haven't written too much on here and have been in a very deep and isolated processing space, finding words for things while my linguistic patterns are continually shifting has been an interesting experience causing me to prefer silence rather than struggling to find words that present my point coherently, particularly when others misconstrue things I say and/or experience a differentiation of terminologies in general..

  I was going through a lot of painful stuff not only processing out trauma cycles but specifically regarding a group of friends while living in California basically turning on me when I finally left a toxic relationship and was proud of myself, for the first time for taking that step for myself.. however for some reason these people who had a very respectful perspective of me suddenly felt cold, distant and unresponsive towards me.. I really couldn't figure out what was wrong, and knew I didn't do anything to warrant any of that.. I began by trying to ignore my feelings because there seemed to be no cause and yet the energy projected at me was like 'you know what you did' kind of garbage and I was baffled hurt and bewildered.. I would reach out and ask what was up and no response.. I chose to remain in the space that I thought of these people as my family of friends since I showed up, was a good friend I did everything I could to be relevant and to assist them in any way I possibly could!

  I started to feel that there must have been some dissent among them and someone was speaking badly about me and I also knew it was someone who had never even tried to get to know me and years later, my fears were found to be accurate.. it finally came to me that the most juvenile, shadowy females in the group were the culprits, big surprise! But what is Actually a big surprise is that people I felt were like family in my heart, fellow magi's and friends from other lifetimes were suddenly so strange to me, like I already dont have abandonment issues.. on some level that was helpful, in that my biggest fear came true and I didn't have to worry about how that would feel anymore, but was worse was that I then had to process being submersed within that pain wile attempting to assimilate how/why got into in that position and what I could have possibly done to deserve it!?

I began projecting against myself about it all and starting to identify with the projections (that no.one even had the balls to speak out loud to me) being angry at myself for others disrespectful treatment was confusing at best.. I felt the rug completely pulled out from under me and didn't have anyone to go to or talk to about it at all.. when a situation happened previously in the group and two were fighting with each other I saw people taking sides and I addressed the situation immediately by reaching out to both parties and asking for their side while telling the one throwing the other under the bus that I didn't appreciate that and it wasn't fair, as. a. Friend!! because that is what friends do, in my opinion..

So not only were these people willing to drop me as a friend/family member based solely on others' lies with nothing but one.sided views, untrue projections and false judgements being made about me but to start treating me as though I had certainly done something wrong to the point that they were willing to make all those decisions without even talking to me!! and regardless of whatever they thought/didn't think, they were not being friends at all to me during the most painful time in my life where I Really needed friends around me.. and to justify themselves for it as well!

  I grew up very lonely and isolated within myself much of the time and made up for that with aggression and intimidating energy.. I eventually softened and rebalanced myself by finding my spiritual center and healing some massive karmic patterns manifested as physical ailments, issues with my blood cells, and all kinds of emotional patterning I needed to work through in a safe space, only to find that the very 'conscious' group was blindly judging me which is not very conscious at all!

  I was alone to deal with myself after the worst betrayal I have experienced in this particular incarnation, and I couldn't even talk to them about it! Trying to explain myself felt futile as they remained unresponsive to me attempts to reach out and they seemed quite comfortable with their projections over the Truth, so then what is there really to do? Funny though people have been like that since ancient times you know, treating others lives like it's all just 'drama' that they are too high in vibration to deal with and yet, when something is happening in Their life, regardless of how trivial, its suddenly front page news! There has always been this great presentation of their innate sense of Compassion and yet it seems so very selective..

I finally talked to a Shaman about it all and it was told to me that this was 'Not a Punishment' and that I had done nothing wrong.. which didn't really make me feel any better haha.. but also that there was a great unfolding to this event and to stay in a space of forgiveness because they would apologize one day when I attain a higher position and then it would be on me to have forgiveness, but more importantly that they need to learn a very valuable lesson from me, as what I am here for in the first place.. I know that I can't just let it go at that point either or they wont learn the lesson that is supposed to come through me, but to respectfully let them know that I deserve friends that I can trust and they can never be that for me now, which is ok I deserve better and will likely be a humbling learning experience indeed! One I have no expectations in regards to.. 

  I wish nothing for or against them and I cant be in a space of judgement because I dont even know who was/wasn't judging me all I know is the only ones who still interact with me from back then are the ones from the group that left the state before the shit storm wake even broke! Its strange that I felt it when it first happened but took me years to finally get confirmation from outside/inside sources about it all, much to my dismay..

Thank you for reading this all if you did, I know it was long and probably uninteresting to anyone not involved but let me know if you have ever had anything like this happen to you and how you handled it as well as how things turned out in the end! And if you are experiencing something similar that is currently unresolved, maybe this can be reflective for you during that process and if I can intuitively be of assistance for you, or you feel anything intuitive about my situation, please let me know!! Much Love to all of you out there, and Many Blessings! ♥ ^_^ ♥

Full Moon Channeling with Anubis: 11/13/2016

Anubis has been calling upon me for some time now to journey
with him to the depths of my core essence in search of my Hearts
*True Love*, which i had been ripped apart from aeons ago,
the stories lost through the manipulations if 'his'tory..
As well as the reclamation of disembodied soul fragments
imprisoned within the collective unconscious void..

I Am at One within the wholeness of my infinite BEing
Unencumbered by the false narrative of disenfranchisement
Wholeheartedly embodying a sacred expression of
Alchemical circuitry etched within the collective template

Healing the Past~ Healing the Present
Transmutation of the Highest form
Bearing witness to the illumination before you through
the bioluminous sea of reflective dichotomy

So mote it Be! ~♥ ☥ ♥~


*(Art: 'Anubis Rising' by Vedran Misic)

Reflecting on Emotional Shadow and Light Patterns

I awoke this morning after having some really sad dreams, leaving me with remnant feelings of painful reflections, as my consciousness is showing me what emotional patterns still need to be dealt with and why they may be continually resurfacing..

I feel this deep sadness and loneliness in my heart that I wish would finally be resolved.. I feel overwhelmed and in need of a deeper family connection in my life, so tired of feeling alone.. I just want to be able to stand in my own light, understand my purpose, and manifest from a space of confidence as an expression of my deepest passion.. I express my feelings only to uncover what shadow aspects need to be addressed, wishing to receive more supportive embrace.. there must be a way to feel connected to others and know that I matter, and while I do at times receive overwhelming amounts of love and respect from so many out there, so I don't understand why I have such a hard time knowing where I stand with people, or knowing how to appropriately express myself.. normally I can be annoyingly ecstatic, then I go into these sad melodramatic states with repetitive emotional patterns that then make me feel angry with myself.. I can see so much beauty in my future and in others always, but I am still working on letting go of deeply embedded traumas..

I know I am never truly alone but my heart feels alone with no.one to share myself with.. how can I dig in and reach the depths of myself when I have never really mattered to anyone in a passionate way, the way I have always wished to be loved.. being truly enveloped in loving affection with mirrored reception is a vision of completion I yearn to experience..

"You may be like a giant trying to befriend a small bug, Virgo. You have absolutely nothing in common and don't even speak the same language. With one accidental move, you could easily squash that little bug. This isn't to say that you can't learn to become best friends. Just know that this kind of relationship is going to take some work."

Today, I received this horoscope that was on point regarding my feelings now of so many of my past relation/friendships in the past but I have never thought of it in this way, I always think I am the one who is inadequate in some way and feel like others don't respond to me because they think I don't measure up or they don't respect anything I do.. psychics have told me my whole life that I intimidate others and/or make them feel small, but I never see it.. this helped me gain some perspective on why many failings have occurred in some of my interactions with others and how I need to be more delicate in my awareness with those I care for and instead of always focusing on how my feelings get hurt so easily, maybe how I may inadvertently hurt others? This shows me potentially Why this comes up so often for me and gives me hope that I can now shift this painful pattern! Learning to accept my sensitivity along with my powerful intensity (Virgo w/ Scorpio Moon + Asc) will take work and much loving support from those who care for me as well ♥

I have been really submersed in feelings of being small, unimportant and abandoned, yet I struggle to express myself and my needs when I am so used to them not being met and that is really the issue here where I need the most work.. my needs are always being met yet I struggle to appreciate my own expressions and have really shut down, only causing more of what I presume to be true.. manifesting it, so to speak.. but I see how I must dig deep and present myself despite fearful trepidation of not being seen, heard or felt accurately and get clear about how I wish to experience relationships..
For those of you who re a part of my life, realize you mean so much more than I may ever be able to express in words, but because I care I wish to learn how to be more present with you all in ways I have not allowed myself to in the past and I hope you can be patient with me and understand how much Love I really have for you All ♥

Dream: Dog Bites, Broken Bikes..

An ominously reflective dream I had years ago about my feelings regarding my family..

'So we are all in a dimly lit house- I, my mom, and two brothers only though.. strange don't know where my dad would have been, but in this dream he didn't live there and there were two or more huge dogs(we never had any dogs at all in waking life) running around the house.. these huge dogs would come up and bite only me, ripping into my arm and I would be bleeding, flesh hanging off and everyone had to keep remembering to lock the little pad lock on these riggity doors that barely closed all the way, to what I think was an office room.. and I didn't feel safe at all and everyone was slow/dismissive about making sure these dogs didn't get out and bite me as was the feeling of 'ehhh... well they're not biting me' as the response of feeling I would get from them, and it was so confusing that they wouldn't make Any effort to protect me so I decided I had to leave..

I then realized after searching out in the garage was the only one w/ out a bike and now my younger brother was the only one making any effort to assist me, so I am just going out to take my younger brothers bike as my other brother was was in his usual, 'no. because I say so' self..  my younger brother said I could use his, so I had to although his was all brokeny-like.. so here I am trying to rage across this busy multiple-lane street on a riggity bike that was barely moving but I was DETERMINED to get away on my own and start my own life and I take this slow moving bike across the street filled with fast moving vehicles and keep struggling with it no matter what and then I came upon a row of houses thinking I was getting closer to something.. I end up having to cross through this guys house and he seems strangely nice and accommodating to let me in almost knowingly but I can sense there is something more to it so as I am riding this crazy bike through this guys house down the stairs to where the front door is and see he has boarded it up with some heavy bricks and had some bizarre plans for me with his crazy eyes lurking behind me and Im just sitting there using my bare fingers to hurry and pry these bricks apart before he can come all the way down the stairs and I finally rip completely through this front door and there is a neighbor is standing there in the front as he had heard me calling for someone and basically seemed only slightly concerned but mentioned that this guys just 'does that' to people all the time [trying to lock them into his house and such?? nice..] So off I continue to go as 'fast' as I can on this old crapper thing supposedly used for transportation.. O.o

A very introspective dream indeed, about my feelings of safety/protection from my mom and in general my family home growing up, this slight 'where is dad anyway?' feeling(He traveled all over the world), feeling unsafe and unprotected at home, and despite not initially having the proper tools/vehicles as everyone else, my sheer determined power to make something of my life despite my.. ummm 'strange' initiation to say the least from this particular incarnation cycle...

and the story continues..

Heart of Anubis ♥

"You will perform great works, though they not be known. By being the true self all things come of their own momentum."

The Book of Anubis
Liber 369
The Grimoire of Axis

I had a dream that Anubis was leading me up a mountainside pathway through a forest thicket and his ears were wrapped signifying a rite of passage.. 11/2014
[XVIII The Moon]

It was channeled through me a while back that Anubis is Sirius The Dog Star.. and I can see clearly that Canus Major itself is not a figure of a stick-dog but the entire head of Anubis with headdress, Sirius being the Eye.. I can also see now that this representation of symbolic wrapped ears is also reflected in the stars, being that you canot see Anubis' ears part of the year.. ♥

Atomic Heart Pulse

I have unlocked the Keys to my own inner corridors of Self.Manifestation,
Scoured Infinite file systems to access Alchemical resonance integrated Within,
Bridging worlds Within through karmic patterns incarnated into my cellular circuitry,
beckoning for Transfiguration..
I am left with a Core, a Heart pulse through the Silence of Chaos, burned through the Sacred Fires of Transmutation only to come Alive Now as the rising Phoenix, Illuminated Iridescent in all her Divine Glory as the Vibrant Flame of Atomic Heart Pulse and Ecstatic Release Through the Eternal Gateway ♥

~Queen of Wands and Princess of Disks Holding the Flame~

Love, KA ~♥ ☥♥~